The Process of Becoming "ONE"

As I child, I often dreamed of the day I would get married. I’ve always been a romantic, even before I knew how to spell the word “romance.”  In kindergarten, I had a crush on Brandon P.  How ironic that my first and last crush were both named Brandon?  If I was wiser, I would have realized the sign earlier on and avoided all of the John Does in between.   But I digress... Like many young girls, I had an idea of the colors I wanted, what kind of dress I would wear, and who would be my bridesmaids.   So when my husband proposed on July 20, 2013, it was the one of the best days of my life. 

The first few months of being married was true bliss.  I welcomed my new role as wife and enjoyed all of the responsibilities that came with it.   Marriage was everything I thought it would be.  The one thing I did not imagine was the feelings I would have about changing my last name.

“If I changed my name was I losing the part of me that I had worked so hard to build and establish?”

I was attached to my last name.  By the time I got married in 2014, I was beginning to establish myself as both an author and attorney.  My first book was published in 2012.  I had been practicing law for 6 years and I had just started my law firm in 2013.  Changing my name was not simply filling out some paperwork. It meant changing websites, domain names, business cards, court filings, the list goes on.  What would happen to the work I had put in for the last 2-3 years to establish myself as a career woman?  If I changed my name was I losing the part of me that I had worked so hard to build?

Many women choose to keep their maiden name for various reasons.  As I began to reflect on the reasons why I did not want to change my last name, it became clear that it was more than just my professional concerns. For me, I had not fully embraced the idea of becoming “one” with my husband. Sure, I enjoyed all the benefits of being married, but I did not a true understanding of what it meant to be married and walk as "one."

Although I was thrilled to be a wife, there was still apart of me that wanted to maintain my independence.  I was use to taking care of everything myself.  I had become accustomed to spending money however I wanted without asking anyone. I could come and go as I pleased, travel whenever I wanted and generally make decisions based on what I thought was best.    Just because I said “I Do” did not mean I instantly changed the way I thought or how I approached situations.  Instead, it was a process.

“Submitting to my husband didn’t mean that I would lose myself or that I no longer had a voice.”

I believe the process of becoming one requires husbands and wives to learn to submit to one another.  The word “submit” is a vulgar word to most women of this generation.  But as I began to understand God’s view of submission, I understood it to mean something completely different.  Submitting to my husband didn’t mean that I would lose myself or that I no longer had a voice.  Submission also doesn’t mean being insignificant or of lesser value. 

Instead, submission is about considering your spouse's opinion before making decisions. In some cases, it may mean respecting your spouses' "No" even when you think the answer should be "Yes."  My husband is far from the controlling.  In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times he’s actually said no to me, lol. Because of this, when he does say, "No," I know its for good reason.  I've  found that in situations where I made decisions without talking to my husband first, I came to regret the outcome.

 “Can two walk together unless they agree?” (Amos 3:3).   You are only inviting discord and strife into your marriage if you’re making decisions without your husband, or husbands without discussing it with your wife.  In order to become one you have to rid yourself of the "independent, I can do what I want" attitude.  If you’re anything like me, the process of becoming one doesn’t end when you say “I do” its just beginning. 

Marriage is a journey. Each day you’re learning more and more about your spouse, as the two of you grow together.  The movies highlight all the wonderful things about the wedding day. But for many of us, we have no idea what it means to have a successful marriage.  The fairytale ideas of what marriage should be won’t help us when we’re in the thick of walking out our lives with someone else.  Learning to shed our selfish desires and fully give ourselves to our spouse it what lasting marriages are made of. It doesn’t mean that you lose who you are individually.  Instead, you learn that it's no longer just about YOU, but it's about WE.

What are somethings you had to learn in your process of becoming one with your spouse? How has, or did, your journey differ from what you thought marriage was about?